Blog

I have four amazing kids, but only one is ‘sensitive’… and I don’t mean ‘sensitive’ in the normal sense of the word. I mean emotionally insightful about the people around her to a degree that is often invasively creepy.

Now, I’m not saying that she is a Jedi (yes, I am), but I just want to emphasize the fact, for the purpose of this blog entry, that she has an uncanny ability to accurately read the emotions of her friends, her family, and the mood of her environment, even when we try (very skillfully, I am certain) to hide them from her.

Often disturbed by her seemingly superhuman skills, I have spoken to friends and family and realized that Abby is not alone. Evidently there are multitudes of ‘sensitive’ children walking among us disguised as normal, small humans. But secretly, they are logging the emotional atmosphere of the world around them in those amazing little brains of theirs.

The existence of this secret society of small, Jedi-like creatures is completely fine, until a grown-up, tension-causing situation arises that a child should not have to be exposed to. For example, some teachers, other parents, and I recently started having some major issues with the principal at my child’s school. I will spare you the details except to say that the situation was becoming tense between all grown-ups involved (especially at the school), and it was disturbing me personally to the point that I was losing sleep over it. Here is the tricky part…

(more…)

By Hanna Henry, 15

I really enjoy creating homemade gifts, especially the ones that I already have the crafts for! This dainty gift is perfect for all ages and simple to create. (more…)

        My husband and I raise our children in the real world. Our parenting strategies are thoroughly “human” and full of mistakes made with the fervent hope that imperfection is the ideal climate for learning, growth, and self-discovery. We believe in the concepts of free and independent thought and appreciate the beauty and versatility of the English language as a basis for teaching the communication skills that will enrich the rest of our children’s lives.

When you consider these beliefs and strategies, you may be inclined to assume that we allow our children to freely use slang as well. You would be wrong, and here’s why:

The Scientific Reasons

1. The more kids are exposed to cursing, the more likely they are to use these words themselves. No problem, right? After all, we do it ourselves… that is, until your three-year-old drops the F bomb in the middle of Sunday church service.
2. Children who are exposed to profanity regularly are more likely to be physically aggressive in the form of hitting, kicking, or punching. Yikes!
3. Children who are exposed to profanity in the media or at home are more likely to be relationally aggressive meaning they are more likely to do things like purposely excluding others from group activities and initiating gossip with the purposeful intent to damage someone’s reputation.
4. Even exposure to very mild curse words (excluding the 7 raunchiest curse words not allowed on TV) can cause children to have behavior problems and to be more aggressive.

To be fair, I should point out that the four points above are not universally agreed upon by scientists. They were derived from a relatively new Brigham Young University study [Published in Pediatrics: October 17, 2011 by Sarah M. Coyne, Laura A. Stockdale, David A. Nelson, and Ashley Fraser] and have not yet been corroborated by similar studies.

What scientists do agree upon is that cursing in front of children can change those children. Whether or not these changes are harmful is the major point of disagreement among scientists; so, it can’t be labeled yet as an official scientific no-no.

“Well of course the changes are harmfull,” you say?  “Just look at the evidence!”

It’s not that simple. In science, researchers are limited to using words with very specific definitions. It is considered unethical (thankfully) to attempt to ‘spin’ those terms into meaning something other than was originally intended. In this case, the word that scientists are hung up on is “harm.”

SCIENTIFICALLY this word is usually defined in terms of physical damage or religious/sexual corruption.

REALISTICALLY most parents (and most decent psychologists) understand that there are many measurable symptoms that a child has been harmed other than those covered by the limited scientific definition. Sleep disorders (nightmares, insomnia, sleeping too much) high anxiety, depression, aggression, and bed-wetting are only a few examples.

Since these very obvious symptoms of childhood distress are not included in the scientific definition of  ‘harm,’ researchers are unable to agree on an official claim that exposing children to bad language harms them.

As a result, many parents will continue to accidently harm their children, mistakenly assuming that a lack of ‘scientific’ evidence means that there is no evidence at all. Scary.

Fortunately, as parents we are only limited by our lack of confidence in our own common sense and instincts. And we can all master this lack of confidence today, and embrace our gut instincts, funny feelings, sixth senses, and parent-intuition. Let parents everywhere who just had a hunch that a cursing child was not a completely healthy child feel vindicated after reading the results of the Character Publishing poll below. After all, are there any better experts on child development than parents?

The Common Sense Reasons

1. Using bad language limits your child’s vocabulary. Don’t believe me? Go watch an episode of the Smurfs. Using the same word over and over for different meanings definitely stunts communication skills. J
2. It could limit your child’s opportunities in life. Even if you are not personally offended by your child’s mimicked bad language (it’s just a word, right?) the sad truth is, someone else may be. In fact, the ones who are offended may be the same people who have the power to judge or reject your child from employment, friendships, educational experiences, or loving relationships.
3. Using bad language habitually increases the chances that you will use it in the heat of conflict. This elevates the seriousness, tension, and even fear-levels of children who witness (or are the direct recipient of) the conflict, needlessly heightening anxiety. This makes everyone involved more likely to react emotionally and less likely to actually solve the problem causing the conflict.
4. It stresses kids out. Even if you are using bad language in a non-intimidating manner, the confusion it can cause kids (who know that they would get in huge trouble at school for using that same language) can cause them chronic confusion, anxiety, and even shame.
5. It may undermine your credibility as a parent. Your children will recognize that your behavior is out of line with the norms of “polite society” (I know, I can’t believe I even wrote that phrase). But this contrast could actually cause your children to doubt the legitimacy of your authority.

Still not convinced? Need more evidence before you change an entire lifestyle? Me too. That’s why I am adding the final reason…

10.  When it comes to our children, isn’t it better to be safe than sorry? After all, you don’t have to be completely convinced of a scientific theory to play it safe. Here is an absurd analogy:

Imagine you read 10 convincing arguments that exposing children to wild animals could cause pain, death, dismemberment, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Granted, you have never actually witnessed a child being mangled by one, but you just have a hunch that there could be something to this theory.

However, imagine now that the scientific community as a whole could not support this claim. There is a huge, heated (imaginary, of course) discrepancy in the scientific population as to the exact meaning of the word ‘member’ as it pertains to the term ‘dismemberment.’ The ‘anti-toe’ community feels strongly that fingers and toes are merely digits on a member…not entire members of their own accord. The ‘pro-toe’ researchers are adamant that each toe is a peninsula, with free flowing air on three sides, making each clearly its own member.

Until this debate is settled, many researchers are simply unable to ethically sign off on the claim as a whole, since they are unable to scientifically define the claim in question.

Some parents catch wind of the fact that scientists don’t all agree that exposing children to wild animals could cause pain, death, dismemberment, or PTSD, and that’s good enough for them to:

1. Make fun of the overprotective parents who try to shield their children from the world (obviously first-timers), and
2. Take their unarmed children onto the plains of Africa for a little lion sightseeing.

Wanna know what happens next? Neither do I. I think you get the point.

Would scientists ever disagree on this issue because of a lack of consensus over the word ‘member?’ Probably not.

If they did, would some careless, nonchalant parents judge those who followed their instincts? Definitely.

Would their judgment cause you to doubt your instinct? Definitely not! So you shouldn’t doubt it about cursing in front of your kids. Perfect logic, right? Well, perhaps not perfect. But better safe, than sorry.

To learn more about this subject (cursing, not dismemberment), visit the following sources and links:

Profanity in Media Associated With Attitudes and Behavior Regarding Profanity Use and Aggression

http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/128/5/867.full.html

Teen Literature Heavy With Profanity

http://psychcentral.com/news/2012/05/21/teen-literature-heavy-with-profanity/38983.html

Children are Swearing More Often, At Earlier Age

http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/09/22/children-are-swearing-more-often-at-earlier-age/18596.html

Do Offensive Words Harm People?

http://psycnet.apa.org/index.cfm?fa=buy.optionToBuy&id=2009-08329-004

Swearing Around Kids – Is it Really That Bad?

http://au.lifestyle.yahoo.com/practical-parenting/toddler-preschooler/development/article/-/13071257/swearing-around-kids-is-it-really-that-bad/

Children Who Hear Swear Words on TV Are More Aggressive

http://healthland.time.com/2011/10/17/children-who-hear-swear-words-on-tv-are-more-aggressive/